This post is about a lot of things simultaneously, so if you think you know what I'm talking about, you're probably half-right but also missing a bunch of stuff. It's also deliberately cryptic because that's the way it came out; maybe someday I'll explain it more, but right now, I've got to go to sleep.
Long talk with Matt Jadud tonight. There is a lot that's going through my head right now that would never be adequately summed up in words, except:
Sometimes it's hard to do the things you have to do.
Not "have to do" as in "external requirements compel me." Have to do as in... the world does not feel right otherwise. This is the path you are supposed to walk on, right now, with your life. Pyramid hunting, in a way. I don't know if I'll ever find mine, and if I do, I don't know if I'll get to go home afterwards, or where that is.
I have known this for a long time, and I'm afraid; and I will be afraid, and it will be hard, and at many points along the way it will be lonely. There's nothing glorious or glamorous about it. But the alternative is killing part of me that I don't want to kill, even if the tradeoff would be an easier and more comfortable life. It's harder, though, when you can see the sort of the thing you might be giving up. But this does not excuse me from doing the things I have to do.
It also does not excuse me from doing the things I am obligated to do right now. So I will go upstairs, set my alarm for 6 hours from now (it will be an unusually restful night) and then wake up and Do Things. Have a long list. Will be functional.
If this really is part of my dream, I'll come back someday.