Braindump from Tokyo
November 18, 2009 – 3:45 amThere’s a lot in my head that I want to get out, and Narita Airport has a free internet cafe. Typing is slow because I keep randomly hitting the “change me from English to Japanese” key, and punctuation is in different places, but my hands will learn.
I had a wonderful time in the Philippines. My digestive system is still recovering. I’ve dreamt of those mangoes for two years, and I’m not sure when I’ll be back to eat them again. The wedding was epic; over 30 tables with an average of more than 10 people per table at the dinner party alone. (Seriously, I thought all weddings were that way before this fall.)
Also, it’s not fair I’ve gotten the chances that I’ve gotten, and the freedom, and the opportunities… as many uphill battles as I’ve had to fight, at least they were fightable. The fact that I’ve got the freedom to learn and work on what I love, that I can move, meet people I want to meet, make my own mistakes – that I even grew up in circumstances that allowed me to form the kind of stubbornness that makes me question things and sometimes tackle them with flying fists (the fact that I grew up in a place with libraries that had these books that gave me such ideas) – that’s… argh. I know it’s not a helpful way of thinking, but why do I deserve that chance any more than they do?
And when I tell stories about the things I’ve done that I love, and things I’ve seen that are new notions in that world (latest weird concept: husbands modifying their careers in response to their wives – it also took a while to explain the concept of stay-at-home dads) it’s only inspiring and world-expanding if there’s a chance that their world can expand in that particular way, you know? Sometimes, even if you’re free, you can’t go back and help the others. And that’s always been hard for me. And that’s always made me really appreciate the opportunities I’ve… yes, worked really hard for and earned, but I still call part of it luck because I know others who deserve those chances too, and didn’t get them.
It’s one of the reasons I feel uncomfortable with privilege and try to give it away as fast as possible. Also makes it hard to calibrate my sense of what I’m worth and what I deserve, but I’m working on that. When I phrase it that way it sounds really selfish – I reckon in large part it is, but I also have to think about it more because I am afraid to think about it, and that’s always been an indication that I should.
On the up side, I felt like myself this entire time in Manila, and that’s a happy accomplishment. I didn’t have to wear a single dress, was able to talk my way out of most of the wedding makeup (and wipe the rest off before the actual ceremony), and usually get folks to shake their heads and smile at the crazy American engineer instead of getting mad at me these days. I’m becoming more and more able to carry the person that I want to be with me as time goes on and I get more chances to grow into being that person in spaces where it’s a good thing – encouraged, even expected – instead of something I have to consciously and constantly fight for. And when I can keep that sense of who I want to be no matter where I am, folks start respecting that, and getting to know me as a Mel who’s good at being a Mel, rather than as a Not All That Great Whatever-Else-Was-Expected. The hardest bit about inventing a new category is explaining to everybody else exactly what you are, but… well, I’ve gotten used to that over the years.
So many of the things I blog are replays that I just have to get out over and over again until they either run through or I find a way to resolve that thought cycle in a more productive way. My version of a traceback.
All right. One hour to my flight boarding – I’m going to run around like a maniac now in an attempt to utterly exhaust myself, because sitting still for the duration of a Tokyo-Chicago flight is torturous enough as is. More brewing in my head, but I’ll try to spill it into a notebook. I brought two with me this time just in case. There are advantages to not sleeping much – you get time to think.
3 Responses to “Braindump from Tokyo”
How cool it would be to have Mel for an aunty.
By Joe on Nov 18, 2009
You don’t deserve it any more than they do, but you were given it anyway. I believe that indicates a purpose and an intention behind those opportunities. Maybe it’s to go back and share with them, or maybe it’s in an entire other field. You were given greater opportunity because you needed that equipping for what you will do. And you’re doing it.
By Andrew on Nov 18, 2009
>> Also, it’s not fair I’ve gotten the chances that I’ve gotten,
Each person has their own changes, its a non-zero sum game.
>> and the freedom,
That is an accident of birth which you had no control over.
>> and the opportunities… as many uphill battles as I’ve had to fight, at
>> least they were fightable.
They were probably only something Mel could win, like King Arthur pulling the
sword out.
>> The fact that I’ve got the freedom to learn and work on what I love, that I
>> can move, meet people I want to meet, make my own mistakes — that I even
>> grew up in circumstances that allowed me to form the kind of stubbornness
>> that makes me question things and sometimes tackle them with flying fists
>> (the fact that I grew up in a place with libraries that had these books that
>> gave me such ideas) — that’s… argh. I know it’s not a helpful way of
>> thinking, but why do I deserve that chance any more than they do?
Most of those things were not in your control, so you did not make the conscious
choice to deprive others. You are only responsible for your actions. And you
have done the utmost with your opportunities and that is commendable, not to
waste them. Many others have wasted them.
>> And when I tell stories about the things I’ve done that I love, and things
>> I’ve seen that are new notions in that world (latest weird concept: husbands
>> modifying their careers in response to their wives — it also took a while
>> to explain the concept of stay-at-home dads) it’s only inspiring and
>> world-expanding if there’s a chance that their world can expand in that
>> particular way, you know?
By just educating people as you travel, you are providing them with ideas,
those powerful things that can lead to change in the future. It was a science
book about a windmill that lead to a boy in Africa to make it. ‘Just’ a book of
ideas. Much of the world via Satellite TV dishes has learned about the Western
world and motivated them to progress towards it. Mere pictures did that. The
future was created once they saw what was possible.
>> Sometimes, even if you’re free, you can’t go back and help the others. And
>> that’s always been hard for me. And that’s always made me really appreciate
>> the opportunities I’ve… yes, worked really hard for and earned, but I
>> still call part of it luck because I know others who deserve those chances
>> too, and didn’t get them.
Everybody gets their own chance. And all you can do is make the most of what you
have been given. You have not abandoned those people because they are in your
thoughts, and given enough time, you will think of ways to give back to them.
And if anyone can devise a way, it’s Mel. Make a scholarship program,
mentorship program, donate books, devise a tour to bring industry leader to
tour these school back home. Something.
>> It’s one of the reasons I feel uncomfortable with privilege and try to give
>> it away as fast as possible.
If I am understanding my new feminist perspective: deaf,
fillapino-chinese-american women engineers do not come born with privilege:
they have to fight tooth-and-nail. But being uncomfortable has a use as means
to motivate you to give back. Lose that, and you might not. But I don’t think
you would not give back, anyway. Also, if you gain power, you can use it for
good :) For the good of those with less than you had (eg. other differently
abled students) to elevate them.
>> Also makes it hard to calibrate my sense of what I’m worth and what I
>> deserve, but I’m working on that. When I phrase it that way it sounds really
>> selfish — I reckon in large part it is, but I also have to think about it
>> more because I am afraid to think about it, and that’s always been an
>> indication that I should.
There are many qualifier and quantifier of worth. The most obvious is
financial, class and power. But also how much others value you. In FLOSS, it is
mostly a meritocracy, so IBM does not get a free pass, and you are doing as
much to advance free software as a multi-national corp. And I’d dare say that
you are very valued in the FLOSS world by your peers. And that can not be bought.
>> On the up side, I felt like myself this entire time in Manila, and that’s a
>> happy accomplishment.
Sounds like you are comfortable in your skin. Great to hear that. A journey
that is unique to all.
>> I didn’t have to wear a single dress, was able to talk my way out of most
>> of the wedding makeup (and wipe the rest off before the actual ceremony),
>> and usually get folks to shake their heads and smile at the crazy American
>> engineer instead of getting mad at me these days.
Sounds like you have changed these folks for the better and they will now
welcome other mel-like-beings in the future. Changing the world, one person at
a time. If you talk to some other female aspies, you might find out that they have a
similar dislike for makeup and fancy clothing.
>> I’m becoming more and more able to carry the person that I want to be with
>> me as time goes on and I get more chances to grow into being that person in
>> spaces where it’s a good thing — encouraged, even expected — instead of
>> something I have to consciously and constantly fight for.
It might be the rarefied atmosphere of Olin and the FLOSS world that allowed
this, as I dont know your other influences. I know that when I first attended
college and met other comp-sci students, it was like finding my lost tribe:
instant acceptance.
>> And when I can keep that sense of who I want to be no matter where I am,
>> folks start respecting that, and getting to know me as a Mel who’s good at
>> being a Mel, rather than as a Not All That Great Whatever-Else-Was-Expected.
That sounds like confidence and feeling comfortable in your own skin. It
produces a certain raidiance.
>> The hardest bit about inventing a new category is explaining to everybody
>> else exactly what you are, but… well, I’ve gotten used to that over the
>> years.
Practice makes perfect :)
>> So many of the things I blog are replays that I just have to get out over
>> and over again until they either run through or I find a way to resolve that
>> thought cycle in a more productive way. My version of a traceback.
Approaching life as big debug cycle :)
By Kevin Mark on Nov 20, 2009