Long day.
December 17, 2008 – 12:14 pmIt was a long day yesterday, for many reasons. Elise helped a lot (talking with people bursting to make a difference in the world often does). And a long walk back from Tim’s; I’m sad to say I was probably a net drain on the atmosphere last night (I was very, very quiet and felt totally low-energy), but just being with good people was… good for me. I think. I could have spent that time working, but I don’t think I would have gotten very much done. And a part of me needed to be quiet around people I knew, and who were happy, and would interact with me despite my somewhat crappy state of noninteractive being.
It did make me feel very sorry for myself on the way back to Yavin IV, shuffling through the dark snow for an hour to get to an empty apartment and more work – much of it picking up some of the many balls I’d dropped this week* – from a job I’m pretty sure is impossible. (Then again, as Walter said, “I hope they didn’t teach you the meaning of the word ‘impossible’ at Olin.” And they didn’t.)
*despite this, I think my anti-flakiness campaign is progressing pretty well.
I let that run its course, because it needed to. Stepped back a little and watched the self-pity run its course. Tried to understand it, as best I could. Tried to accept it. The funny thing about a lot of things I don’t like about myself is that when I embrace them, that’s when I destroy them – or that incarnation of them, anyway. Like hugging something to death while loving it – because you love it, even. It’s one perspective on the self-improvement deal.
Same thing now; putzing around, though there have been some good discussions, I haven’t faced the elephants in my room yet today. (A couple very small ones. Baby elephants.) I know what I have to do right now, I just have to do it. I’ve got a list on the wall, and deadlines, and carrots, and I’ve run myself out of excuses (deliberately; I think I’ve just removed all rational reasons for procrastination, save for two, and I’m about to shower and eat and get those out of the way.)
Stuff that’s helped lately: a good example of a graceful way to say a no that’s helpful to all parties.
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but every time I read the Sugar Taxonomy, I break into a huge grin. That is good design. That is setting up your project so that people (…all right, at least people like me) can’t help but be delighted when they start to work and learn about it.
And people. I’m lucky, I really am. I keep reminding myself of that. All of this is an opportunity to grow and see what I’m actually made of, and what the people around me are made of, and… the good news that I’ve found from that is painful – good because we’re really trying to do better, painful because we have so far to go, and facing that is like running repeatedly into a surgeon’s knife (which, ah, constantly stabs you in miraculously the right places to do triple bypass surge- oh, nevermind, this analogy doesn’t function that well).
The image of dangling the infant Achilles over a fire to burn away his mortality comes to mind; I must be conscious that I will still, somewhere, always, have a vulnerable heel. I’ve got to be okay with that. Aware of it, and watchful, but accepting of inherent imperfections.
Right. This has long since turned from needed introspection into procrastination. WORKING. GO.
3 Responses to “Long day.”
I’m sad to say I was probably a net drain on the atmosphere last night (I was very, very quiet and felt totally low-energy)
In that crowd, I don’t think people really noticed if someone wasn’t talking. You didn’t stay very long either.
By nikki on Dec 17, 2008
Hour and a half, I think – nearly two. Longer than I should have. I don’t think they noticed either; I’m used to blending into the corner and being ignored, and the energy could stay up without me. (If I’d pulled it into a drastic drop, I’d have pulled out my “Not Tired Now!” hyper-superpowers, or left much earlier. Probably the first.)
In terms of doing things today, I managed to progress from small elephants to deer to very large frogs, stopping myself short of going for beetles. Two large elephants in the middle of the room remained untackled. That is to say, I was busy, but didn’t get my most important things done. I’m too burnt-out to muster the sustained concentration needed to make them well. (I have half-stabs at bad first versions of both.)
Sleep, and then another try.
By Mel on Dec 17, 2008
Mel, you can summon dothe-strength! [From Le Guin's "Left Hand of Darkness".]
The funny thing about a lot of things I don’t like about myself is that when I embrace them, that’s when I destroy them – or that incarnation of them, anyway. Like hugging something to death while loving it – because you love it, even. It’s one perspective on the self-improvement deal.
I recently saw a perspective on meditation that helps me deal with random emotional distractions. It went something like this:
When a distracting thought comes up, you should act as though you are walking a dog that wants to go off to the side instead of forward. You can’t let it just run around and have its own way, but it would be cruel to yank the leash to pull it the way you want to go. You should be gentle as you guide it onto the path. After all, shouldn’t we be as loving with ourselves as we are with our pets?
And so, when I remember a painful memory, instead of gritting my teeth or calling myself stupid or consoling myself with thoughts of someone I love, I can mentally pat myself and say, “There, there.” And it’s like what you’re talking about — not just tolerance, but acceptance. And just trying out living with the thing that bothers me can sometimes shrink it down to something I’m authentically okay with. Which reminds me of another blog post you might like:
http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2004/09/quickie.html
By Sumana Harihareswara on Dec 18, 2008