Yet Another Internal Monologue
April 17, 2008 – 11:55 amI need to find a way to deal with chaos well without getting stressed out. I can currently deal well with chaos, but it involves me flipping out for a moment, then (after much ineffective running-about in panic) stepping back, settling things down, and moving things forward.
I’m also worried (perhaps too worried) about going into what I perceive as ‘management,’ or anything that takes me away from direct production. My own resistance to this mostly stems from my self-perception that I haven’t really had a “manager” myself yet anywhere, and that I don’t know how to “make things” - I’m perpetually terrified by the shadow of the statement that “those who can’t, teach.” I know I’ll teach regardless, but I want to teach as one of those who can. Can what? I’m not sure.
A large part of this is influenced by (what I believe is) the hacker ethos of valuing “working code” (or the “I made this to solve the problem” equivalent) over strategizin’ talk over what ought to be done. This makes me chuckle - when did I start caring what other people thought? When did I start worrying about my status in a community? I hope the answer to both is that “I haven’t,” but know that’s no longer entirely the truth… but I want to move it as close to the truth as possible because… look, what do I care about what other people think? Do I believe I’m doing the right thing? Am I helping the things I want to help? Am I in the right place, myself, to do that?
Perhaps this is why I’m drawn towards startups and chaos and fields that I know nothing about. When you’re a beginner, you have nothing to lose. I don’t mind this. But I do need to learn how to deal with having something to lose - with having plenty to lose - and not running away from that. Being able to risk it all, or to walk away from the table - it’s a strength, and something I have in spades. But being unable to not walk away is just as big a weakness.
Back to work.
3 Responses to “Yet Another Internal Monologue”
I often find myself following a similar train of thought, and I think the range of reactions fall into two broad camps:
(1) I’m going to learn how to do the long-term responsibility thing.
(2) It’s a better use of my time and energy to focus on what I’m good at: getting things off the ground and moving on.
If (1) seems right, then a good way to motivate yourself to do it is to see the “long-term responsibility thing” as a thing to get off the ground. Years later, you may still be getting it off the ground, but because you’re motivated to get things off the ground and good at doing so, you’ll almost certainly have made more progress than you think.
If (2) seems right, then the key is not to see it as a cop-out but an optimisation, analagous to, say, deciding that since your bike has a high gear ratio and chunky frame, you’ll use it to climb hills rather than to race on the flat. I suppose this is roughly the approach taken by businessmen like Richard Branson and Stelios Haji-Ioannou, and as businessmen, they have been successful. Obviously, you’re a much more responsible person than they are already in several important respects: you are much more selfless. As long as you’re not preparing to start a conventional business in a crowded marketplace, this should be an advantage for you.
By Sam Kuper on Apr 18, 2008