I need to find a way to deal with chaos well without getting stressed out. I can currently deal well with chaos, but it involves me flipping out for a moment, then (after much ineffective running-about in panic) stepping back, settling things down, and moving things forward.
I'm also worried (perhaps too worried) about going into what I perceive as 'management,' or anything that takes me away from direct production. My own resistance to this mostly stems from my self-perception that I haven't really had a "manager" myself yet anywhere, and that I don't know how to "make things" - I'm perpetually terrified by the shadow of the statement that "those who can't, teach." I know I'll teach regardless, but I want to teach as one of those who can. Can what? I'm not sure.
A large part of this is influenced by (what I believe is) the hacker ethos of valuing "working code" (or the "I made this to solve the problem" equivalent) over strategizin' talk over what ought to be done. This makes me chuckle - when did I start caring what other people thought? When did I start worrying about my status in a community? I hope the answer to both is that "I haven't," but know that's no longer entirely the truth... but I want to move it as close to the truth as possible because... look, what do I care about what other people think? Do I believe I'm doing the right thing? Am I helping the things I want to help? Am I in the right place, myself, to do that?
Perhaps this is why I'm drawn towards startups and chaos and fields that I know nothing about. When you're a beginner, you have nothing to lose. I don't mind this. But I do need to learn how to deal with having something to lose - with having plenty to lose - and not running away from that. Being able to risk it all, or to walk away from the table - it's a strength, and something I have in spades. But being unable to not walk away is just as big a weakness.
Back to work.